


Forever and Everything

by MarsPolaris



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Benrey Disassociates and is a Nonbinary Alien, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of canon violence, Not A Game AU, Post-Canon, i'll add more tags later i suppose, this is my first published fic so idk what to tag it as
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25853632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarsPolaris/pseuds/MarsPolaris
Summary: Benrey survived the final battle between himself and Gordan, Bubby, Coomer, and Tommy. Now he needs to learn what it's like to not have a mission and what it's like to be human, as well as adjust to life at the Freeman house (especially since his budding crush is blooming).
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 32
Kudos: 245





	1. Starting over is hard

Benrey couldn’t feel anything. Not really. He was stretched thin, his consciousness barely something he knew existed, without edges and without a body. The final fight had taken a lot out of him.

Maybe all of him.

With what shred of self he had left he mused if this is what his afterlife would be like. Forever, Always, Expansive, and yet Nothing.

Wouldn’t be the worst he supposed. There are worse things.

He thought of the battle. Thought of Gordan’s rage at him. His...well..who knows if they were friends, his allies defeating him. It all hurt more than this. This was just numbness.

It felt like ages before his edges seem to define themselves and he was becoming something resembling a person. His musing returned. Maybe he wasn’t dead after all. Or maybe he was just getting used to it.

Either way, being defined was better than being miasma. He continued to find parts of himself and bring them together, piecing himself together and apart from the void he floated in. And the more he did so the more he realized that his body was still out there. This was a surprise. He figured it would have been rotting in the puddle on Xen where he was struck down. But no...it’s intact and usable.

Benrey with a new sense of purpose gathered himself until he knew he wasn’t leaving anything behind and hurried back to his body.

When he returned his body was heavy and unwilling to move so easily. But he could feel again and that sensory input was a lot, and very sudden. The heavy press of the blankets over his body, the cushion of the memory foam mattress, the sound of birds twittering outside the window, the way the room of the house creaks and settles, all of it was too much.

Benrey had to take some time alone to get used to it.

His eyes stayed shut, his ‘fake-sleep’ still holding him still and quiet. So he could not see when Gordan took a glance into the room, but he could hear the footsteps and the slight creak of the door as it was pushed open. He also hears the sigh and then the footsteps retreat and once more Benrey is alone and unwatched.

Benrey resigns himself to this until he can move. Trying to enjoy a different kind of forever and nothing.

Once during this paralysis, a smaller set of footsteps sounded fast and entered the room. Benrey felt the tug of blankets and sheets as the small being crawled up onto the bed and scrambled to him. He wanted to move away in surprise but couldn’t as the little thing cooed and giggled. The larger footsteps hurried in.

“Joshie, no! We’re not going to bother Benrey until he wakes up, okay?” It was Gordan’s voice. Holy shit. If he weren’t stuck in place, Benrey would have stiffened in shock and tried to hide his surprise. But there was no need.

So he was with Gordan and his kid. But...Why.

After everything they’ve been through, all of Benrey teasing Gordan at the worst times, and Gordan reacting in anger and frustration, Gordan’s arm, the final fight...why was Benrey anywhere near where Gordon was, let alone the child Benrey had called shitty.

He couldn’t understand any reason for this. And it Muddled his emotions so thoroughly to even think about it.

The barest whine of sweet-voice left him at that moment, his lips parting slightly as a stream of torn blue slips past and swirls to the ceiling.

Gordan saw this as he scooped Joshua up off the bed. Holding Joshie as he burbles a complaint, Gordan speaks to Benrey.

“Benrey, whenever you’re ready, please wake up.” The plea in his voice makes Benrey still internally, paused in another wave of shock. And then Gordan takes a deep breath and leaves the room again with Joshua in his arms, the door clicking behind him.

Benrey twitches a hand.

It takes several days before Benrey actually moves in any substantial amount. He rolls over, finding it more comfortable to curl up on his side. Gordan found him after the flip and gasped. He had talked to Benrey then, trying to see if he was awake. And when Benrey didn’t respond he left again.

Benrey could have responded. Choose not to. He’s not ready to face the man he hurt so thoroughly.

A couple of days later and he can’t stand to keep laying still. He opens his eyes finally and shifts to sit up in bed.

The room is plain. A Guest room devoid of any special personality quirks. A dresser, a nightstand, a lamp, and a window that looks out onto the backyard. He looks out and realizes he didn’t know there was anything like that outside of Black Mesa. Greenery, flowers, small furry animals, and birds. There’s so much he doesn’t know.

The door cracks open again, a familiar sound now, and Benrey turns and meets eyes with Gordan who is stunned, halfway in the door.

Gordan was more put together than last time Benrey had seen him. Dressed in a loose shirt and pajama pants. His hair was brought back into a ponytail that Benrey remembered well from following Gordon in the facilities. The way Gordon's face was sturdy but not sharp, the half-there beard. And finally Gordan’s eyes, a gorgeous brown that Benrey didn’t mind getting lost in.

“Benrey! You’re...you’re awake!” Gordon always seemed to announce the obvious, Benrey liked that.

“Huh. I guess I am.” He replied, answering dumbly on instinct.

Gordan sighs in something like relief and smirks. “Same old Benrey, huh?”

“Something like that.” he tries a smile back, it feeling weird and impossible to make sincere.

“Well, if you feel up to it come out when you want, I'm sure you have questions and want to see more of the house.”

Benrey didn’t really answer that, but instead asked, “Hey uh...is the kid around still?”

“Oh not right now. He’s got some daycare while I work from home. He’ll be back at 3. Why?”

He doesn’t answer honestly and instead says, “Wanted to make sure I could say Fuck, Feetman.”

Grodan rolls his eyes, still with a bit of a smile, and he leaves the room, shutting the door behind him. Benrey looks at the door for a bit before looking away. He doesn’t feel ready. He thinks he’ll never be ready.


	2. Unsteady

Benrey, clad in the blanket like a cloak, left the guest room. It had taken him a good while to decide to leave, but knowing he couldn’t just keep staying in this room convinced him to at least go to a different room for a while.

He walks through a hallway decorated with pictures of Gordan and who he assumes is Joshua. Into the living room he wanders, looking around the space. It felt so...Gordan. A little messy but in a way that has a purpose behind it. Some stray cups that didn’t make it to the kitchen, some toys of Joshua’s, and a couple of socks that are ‘missing’. Nothing was new but rather well-loved by second-hands. 

Gordan, who was sitting on the couch, looks over at Benrey as he enters the room. Benrey is struck by Gordan’s content expression, something he hasn’t really seen before. Never at Black Mesa at least. A need to explain himself washes over him as if his presence itself is in question now that he’s out of the bedroom. 

“Uh…” He pulls the blanket around him tighter. “Nice Crib, dude. Did it come pre-cluttered?” 

Gordan rolls his eyes, “Nah, all my decorations. Some help from Joshua.” 

Benrey comes further into the room and sits down on a recliner, still feeling out of place and putting distance between him and Gordan. Not sure for whose benefit.

“Doing okay?” Benrey jumps at the question but settles back into his calm veneer. 

“Why am I here, dude, it’s like...kinda weird to wake up here.” to wake up at all, he doesn’t say. 

Gordan shifts a little awkwardly. “Well, I didn’t feel good just leaving you there. I don’t understand my thoughts about it either but...I had space so...I took you home and hoped you’d wake up.” 

“Not even thinking about if I was just some alien corpse?” Benrey pokes fun. “Weirdo.” 

Gordan throws his hands up in building frustration. “Yeah! Yeah, if you happened to just be some dead alien I don’t know what I would have done. But I wasn’t going to just leave my friend dying in a puddle.” 

Benrey’s eyes go wide and he’s quiet for a long moment before he asks, “...Friend?” 

“Yeah, Benrey. Friend.” Gordon’s words are tense but not unkind, “Weird complicated friends, but we’re friends nonetheless.” 

“But...But I lied...I tricked you! I got you hurt! A lot!” he tries reasoning, his voice rising and sludge-like sweet-voice pouring from his mouth. “It was my job to be bad! And I was bad! Bad to you, to all of you! How could you forgive me!?” 

“I haven’t.” 

Gordan’s reply stuns Benrey into silence, the dregs of the sweet-voice dissipating on his lips. 

Gordan doesn’t meet Benrey’s eyes, instead of looking away with a mixed expression. “I haven’t forgiven a lot yet. Some I'm not sure if I can forgive.” Gordan moves his right arm a little and Benrey sees the arm is now a heavily bandaged stump, the artillery removed since last he saw. “But I know I’ve hurt you too and misunderstood you.” 

An uneasy silence forms between them, a drowning feeling that threatens to suffocate Benrey. He curls in on himself more, thankful for the blanket he took from the guest room. 

“Plus-” Gordan continues, “I missed you. So that counts for something. So...friends.” 

Gordon and Benrey meet eyes once again. Benrey can only manage a short, “Okay.” before looking away and becoming unresponsive in his cocoon of fabric. Gordon leaves him alone which is good since Benrey doesn’t think he could handle any attention at the moment. 

Benrey loses touch with time and space as he sits there. Seconds becoming hours and minutes becoming too short to notice and too long to pay mind. Time stretches and Benrey’s vision seems split between seeing out his body’s eyes and looking down upon his body from somewhere outside. Disjointed and lost. Familiar to the time before he woke up. 

He only comes a bit back into focus when Gordan returns from picking Joshua up from daycare. When did he leave? Benrey had missed when Gordan moved from his spot on the couch. 

But in comes Joshua who is incredibly enthusiastic and rambling on about what happened at daycare that day to Gordan. The kid is wearing an orange t-shirt and some shorts, with a small backpack strapped around his arms. A little cowboy hat sits on his bouncy curls, barely held on by the string underneath Joshua's chin. The little tyke turns in Benrey’s direction. 

“BENNIEEEE” Joshua squeals as he spots Benrey in the living room. 

The little guy unsteadily runs up to Benrey all curled up in the chair and squeals with delight. Benrey’s eyes go wide and he braces for possible impact. He’s never seen a human so small and chaotic. 

“What’s his headshot count at?” Benrey asks, uncurling a little to see him better. 

“Zero. Can’t play video games yet, Benrey. He’s two and a half.” 

“Noob.” 

Joshua gasps some, gathering his limited vocabulary, “No more nap???” 

“Yeah. I’m all charged up. Max energy.” 

Joshua bounces on his sneakered feet and then runs back to the front door and starts kicking them off. “Bennie play with me!” 

“That’s up to Benrey, Joshie. You need to ask first.” Gordon replies. Benrey slips more out of the blanket, intrigued by Joshua’s boundless energy. 

“Oh!!’ Joshua, now without shoes, hurries back over to Benrey and reaches out a little pudgy hand. “Bennie wanna play??” 

Benrey looks between Joshua and Gordan and seeing no denial from Gordon, takes Joshua’s hand in his own and allows himself to be tugged along by the toddler into his bedroom. He glances back at Gordon with confusion but Gordon only watches and laughs. “Be careful, he’s still learning to be human. He’s fragile.” 

That makes two of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell i've read Y2KVR? lol


	3. Play Time

Benrey has never played before. 

Childhoods on Xen weren’t really a time for playing. Life was hard and lonely there. Violent and unforgiving. Everything wanted to kill you, and you had to kill even if you didn’t want to. You don’t live. You just stay cruel enough to survive. And Benrey had done so until he was sent to Black Mesa on his mission. 

So when Joshua tries to play with Benrey he’s not quite sure how to play back. 

Joshua had brought out a Stick-horse and was pretending to be a cowboy while Benrey was given the role of a Bandit. This would be easy enough for anyone who had lived on earth and in America to know the context. Benrey did not know this context.

So the little Joshua was galloping around the room on his stick-horse while Benrey watched, limply holding the fake gun Joshua had given him. 

“Shoot!! Fight!!” Joshua playfully demands, pointing his own plastic pistol at Benrey. “Bang Bang!” 

When Benrey didn’t sufficiently react to Joshua's attack the boy walked over, dragging the stick-horse beside him and pressed a hand to Benrey’s shoulder and tried to shove him to the floor. When Benrey realizes what Joshua wants he plays along dramatically. 

“Oh, fu- uh...Dang! You got me. Headshot. 360 no-scoped.” and he falls backward. “Am I dead or just hurt? Gotta know if I get to shoot back.” 

“Dead!” Joshua exclaims with triumph. 

“Ah, dang. Well. guess I’m dead then.” and he lays still, even stopping his breath so it looks real. Joshua laughs at this for a time and then goes quiet with concern.

“Bennie?” He asks in a small voice. He squats next to Benrey’s head and tries to see real hard if he’s okay or actually for real dead. “Bennie killed?” 

Benrey holds still for just a bit longer. And then He suddenly opens his eyes and ‘fires’ the toy gun at the boy, surprising Joshua greatly. The toddler yelps and stumbles backward, perhaps pretending to die- at first. But when he goes to fall down, he knocks his head on the sideboard of his bed, a loud thwack of head on wood. 

For a moment nothing happens and Benrey is sat up wide-eyed at the very still Joshua who cradles his head. 

But then his small body is wracked with building sobs as Joshua begins to cry out in pain. And Benrey honestly doesn’t know what to do. A great cry of “Owieeee” turns into full-on waterworks.

He reaches out to Joshua, “Hey little dude, you go-” 

That’s when Gordan runs to the room and throws open the door. “Joshie? Are you okay?” Freeman is immediately at his son’s side and looking at his head. “Benrey, what did you do?” his voice was accusatory, already sure that Benrey had done something to cause this. 

“Wha- Me? Dude, we were just playing cowboys.” 

Gordan turns to him and glares, “No joking Benrey, What happened?” 

“He killed me so I shot back! He got spooked and hit his head, I didn't do anything!” Dark Blue sweet voice seeped from the corners of his mouth as he defended himself. 

“He’s a baby, Benrey, you need to play more carefully. Please leave the room, I need to focus on Joshua.” 

Benrey balled his fists, the dark blue sweet-voice mixing with bright red now. He stands and leaves the room, stomping heavily. Of course. He’s the bad guy again. Maybe he always will be. He throws himself onto the couch and turns inward, shutting himself off from the world. 

Sweet voice pours from his mouth with an unharmonious clamor of notes, Blues and deep reds. And then some turning to the sludge-black from before that clings to his lips and spills upwards in strands and globs. 

He lets his eyes well up with tears for a moment before blinking and wiping them away. This is stupid. How could he have expected to be trusted like that? He doesn’t deserve it.   
He starts to separate from his body again, leaving it and becoming numb again being the more preferable option than feeling. He’s so tired of having feelings. 

He doesn’t get to separate from his feelings for long. A tiny hand pats his back and he pulls back into focus blearily. When he’s back he turns over and sees Gordan and Joshua. Gordan wears a guilty expression and doesn’t meet his eyes but Joshua looks directly at him, still a little sniffly. 

“He...He says you didn’t hurt him.” Gordan clears his throat awkwardly and then, “Sorry.” 

Benrey accepts it, though inside he still feels a pang of hurt from Gordan’s accusation, gnawing on him from the inside. 

Joshua makes a noise to get Benrey's attention and then makes a musical note as best he can. A little ‘Oooo’. 

Gordan and Benrey look at Joshua with surprise, and Joshua continues to make the noise and points to Benrey. 

Benrey uses his sweet-voice, a soft lavender stream of bubbles leaving his lips. Joshua smiles and claps. The toddler reaches for the bubbles but they pop as he touches them, causing him to giggle more.

Benrey is overcome. Just a moment ago he was undone by how much distrust Gordan has in him, and now...Joshua mimics his sweet-voice and loves it. No one has mimicked it before, or shown appreciation for his sweet-voice. 

Benrey holds back the wave of emotion that washes over him, bottling it up to save. 

“Heh. Pretty pro-gamer of you, Joshie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone knows how to make the previous chapter notes not carry over, I'd be grateful if someone could tell me <3 
> 
> also! i'm thinking this fic will be something like 6-7 parts long just to give a heads up. I'm not dropping this until it's Done! : D


	4. Let's Talk

It was clear to both Gordon and Benrey that all was not well between them, even after living together for a couple of weeks now. Even though both of them were trying to move past the violence and trauma of Black Mesa, neither of them could. It would always creep back into their minds when small arguments would spark and turn into something more, edged with the pain from their shared past. And it would never be resolved, just left to simmer until the next disagreement. 

A similar tense back and forth had started again, all sparked by Benrey forgetting to take his shoes off when he back inside the house and proceeded to put his feet up on the couch arm in a sprawl. 

Gordon asked him to take them off and Benrey, not quite in his head, didn’t hear the request over his video game. When Gordon saw that Benrey didn’t do what he asked he became terser and commanded Benrey. And Benrey, unaware of the first request, reacted poorly to Gordon’s command. This spiraled into bickering and driving the irritation in both parties up a wall. 

At a breaking point, Gordon shouted “Stop! Just Stop. This is ridiculous, why are we fighting right now?” 

Benrey startled out of his defensive argument, looks confusedly at Gordon. “Huh?” 

“This is- This is ridiculous, we’re fighting over the smallest thing, and it’s stupid. It’s stupid! This argument isn’t even really about the shoes anymore.” 

Benrey, still confused, takes a step back. “Dude, what are you saying.” 

“This is about Black Mesa. Or rather, what happened there. For me. For you. For both of us.” 

Benrey shrinks in response. He does not want to talk about this. The guilt already gnaws at him deeply, bringing the feelings into the light, and talking about them was the worst. 

“We should talk about it. We’ve been avoiding it for too long.” 

Benrey tugs his helmet lower on his face and pulls his, now de-shoed, feet onto the couch, “yeah...I guess. What about it? About Black Mesa?” 

“Everything. Well...maybe not everything. But a lot of it.”

Gordon moves and sits down in an opposing chair, looking towards the balled up Benrey, before he continues, “You did...a lot of shit back there. Some can be understood and moved past. But others simply can’t be. You caused me- all of the science team- a lot of harm by being the ‘Bad Guy’. Not just physically but mentally.” Gordon noticeably touches the stump of his right arm. “And you haven’t even said a single ‘Sorry’.” 

Benrey shifts uncomfortably, “I...Didn’t think i-” the rest becomes a mumble and Gordon hardens at the tone Benrey uses. 

“Didn’t think what?!” 

“I didn’t think the arm would be permanent.” 

Gordon is quiet with surprise for a moment before, “What?” 

“Listen, I didn’t know humans had such cringe bodies that didn’t grow back when hurt. I’m a fucking ‘alien’ so I didn’t know. I didn’t think it would be a big deal….If I had known-” 

“Don’t say you ‘wouldn’t have done it’. Please. That does nothing for the pain and the trauma I experienced.” 

“...You’re right. I made a bad move. And you got fucked up more than I thought. I’m sorry that it happened.” 

Gordon takes that in and looks away, being quiet for a bit before responding. ‘I accept your apology. I...am not happy it ended in me being permanently disabled, but I ...I think I can at least understand why you would think...it wouldn’t be a big deal.’ 

Benrey relaxes a little.

“But then...what about the rest. Why were you the ‘Bad Guy’? Why torment us with the military and then lead us to Xen?” 

“That’s….Complicated. Big Mess. No Fun.” Benrey looks away, uncomfortable again. “It was my job...a mission.”

“You were on a mission? Are you still on the mission?”

“Nah. I died. I think that means I failed.” 

“So what, you were supposed to...mess with Black Mesa or...what?” 

“Uhhhhh….” Benrey delays, not wanting to explain. “Kinda...was a scout. You know, Checking out enemy territory. Maybe stop you all from getting your portals to work.” 

“The portals?” Gordon looks a bit horrified. 

“Well, yeah. With you all messing around with portals we were getting worried the last save-point was gonna be destroyed. So Xen started to...mess around back at you. During a test, I was sent through and made to figure out what was beyond and get back somehow. Maybe break some shit as I did.” Benrey scratches his arm idly. “I kinda...went off script a bit since I’m not really uh...The best they could have sent.” 

Gordon stays quiet, not wanting to stop Benrey since he seemed about to talk now. 

“I felt trapped a bit. I either fail my last home or fail the friends I had made- or...well. I thought I made. Social stuff is… I didn’t put my skill points into that... I did try to warn you. ‘Don’t shoot or I'll have to shoot back’. Yeah.” 

Gordon makes a silent ‘Oh’ as the dots connect and it feels like it all comes into focus. There’s a bit of silence between them for a bit as Benrey adjusts to having the truth known and as Gordon takes it all in. None of Black Mesa was simple, and Gordon knows that even more now. 

“I guess… I understand your actions. I don’t forgive you… entirely. But I understand now.” he rubs the hack of his head with his good hand, “I suppose I should apologize for the times my anger at you was unwarranted. Sometimes you did genuinely help us and...and I should give you that credit. I’m sorry too.” 

Benrey doesn’t look like he knows how to react to being apologized to, especially by Gordon. 

“Does...Does that mean we can be friends?” 

Gordon lifts his head, confused for a moment, and shocked out of the odd regretful feelings. “Friends? Yeah of course.” 

“Cool...That’s- That’s a great cool.” Benrey smiles with a bit of a watery glaze on his eyes. 

Gordon smiles softly and comes over to the couch and sits beside Benrey. “Can I give you a hug?” 

Benrey is startled but replies “Huh?! Uh! Yeah s-sure.” 

Gordon leans over a little bit and wraps his arms around Benrey, knocking his head a little against Benrey’s helmet. Benrey doesn’t move for a moment before accepting the contact and hugging Gordon's right arm to himself, cradling the healed over end carefully. And Benrey smiles, a light blush on his pale cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOO sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out, School started and well you know how it goes. thanks for your patience! let me know how you like it!


	5. New Look

Benrey walks past the mirror on the wall and then backtracks to look at his reflection. He didn’t really have an opinion about the body he created but he can’t help having a disconnect between himself and the vessel. 

He faces the mirror full-on and touches the face - his face - and marvels at the physicality of it for a moment. Being so physical is so weird and pointing out the weirdness of it is making him reject it. His thoughts slip away and he seems outside of the body, floating somewhere outside of it. 

As he does so the form of his body stops holding up. His eyes slip into a bright yellow and his teeth sharpen. Eyes start opening around his body. And beyond that, the difference between his body and the air becomes thinner. 

He’s diminishing and pulling away. Being human is so hard. Being human is uncomfortable. Being human isn’t being Benrey. 

Benrey doesn’t even notice when Gordon comes home with Joshua. Upon seeing Benrey, Gordon hurriedly rushes Josua to his bedroom to play with his toys as a distraction. 

Gordon will come back to the morphing Benrey and touch his fading shoulder. “Hey, Bennie, you doing okay?” 

Benrey hears Gordon's call and tries to pull himself together again. And for Gordon, he gets the uncomfortable view of seeing Benrey pack himself back together, folding back in on himself. It's strange and for some of it, Gordon flinches in empathy. But Benrey seems to have no pain in the act. 

His eyes go back to their usual white and deep blue, the eyes on his skin closing and fading out. The edges of himself becoming defined again and his vision shifts back into first person. After a bit of blinking, he turns to Gordon. 

“Ah...uh...Sorry, bro. What’s up?” Benrey tries to play it off. 

“What’s up is whatever just happened there, Benrey, are you okay?” Gordon doesn’t let Benrey brush it away, he knows how easily he can deflect. And Benrey knows Gordon knows. 

He struggles a moment before sighing and gesturing to the mirror. “I’m not-me. And being not-me can get Messy. The character customization got botched so I’m just...not-me.” 

Gordon waits for a beat before asking, “What do you look like? Like your real-you?” 

Benrey looks around for words to explain and answers, “You don’t have the right colors in this language to explain. I am Big Thought. I am Air. I am God-Mode. But to be here I made a character to play. I didn’t have a lot of time, so it’s wrong. The skin looks dead and there's a shadow that I don't know how to get off the cheekbones.” 

“Is looking like this painful?” 

“Huh? No. not painful. Just...off? Wrong? I don’t fit, I suppose. And sometimes I slip out of it.” he shrugs. 

Gordon looks confused, “If- If you could make this body in the first place why don’t you make it...uh fit better, I guess? Why stay uncomfortable?” 

Benrey blushes a little and looks away, mumbling, “I dunno, ‘cuz the science team knows me like this I guess...you recognize me like this” 

“Dude you literally became a skyscraper body-morphing monster while at Black Mesa, you could look like anything and we’d recognize you.” 

Benrey rolls his eyes with a bit of a smile. “I did, didn’t I. Huh. you sure it wouldn’t make Feetman uncomfortable if I looked weird?” 

Now it was Gordon’s turn to roll his eyes, “No, it wouldn’t. Look however you want to.” 

Benrey looks into Gordon’s eyes and sees certainty, and support like he’s never known. The blush still hovering on his cheeks he turns back to the mirror and concentrates. 

His eyes go yellow and his skin shifts more blue than grey. He brushes a hand over his cheeks and small multicolored freckles appear in its wake, looking much like the Sweet-Voice he sings. Benrey then looks at his hands and lets the tips of them form pitch-black claws. His height shifts, making him taller than the small man he used to be, now able to look Gordon eye to eye. And with one final move, he removes his helmet and reveals a fresh mane of unruly shoulder-length hair that falls around his face and down his back, black and flecked with the same colors on his cheeks. 

With all these changes made he smiles a sharp grin into the mirror. It feels more comfortable, lets him experience parts of what he truly is in physical form. He doesn’t feel the need to slip out of the shell or a need to hold on and stay in. He’s just...himself. 

“Feel better?” Benrey turns to Gordon who looks at him in awe and with a hopeful smile. 

“Yeah, feel like I just got all the achievements unlocked.” Gordon blows out a laugh at Benrey’s usual gamer-shtick. 

Without thinking, Gordon reaches out his hand and brushes his fingers over the colorful freckles dotting Benrey’s face. Benrey freezes stock-still in shock and Gordon doesn’t realize until the action has already happened. They both stand frozen with deep blushes taking over their faces. 

Gordon scrambles to explain the touch but nothing coherent is forming in his mind, he just has his mouth open in a ‘uuhhh’ to fill for time. When he finally speaks he almost wishes he didn’t because of how awkward it had become. 

“Its- It’s a good look, uh, Benrey! I’m gonna...gonna go check on Joshua cuz I left him alone, yeah? Okay? Okay.” And he hurries from the room completely embarrassed from head to toe. 

Benrey stays still, looking at where Gordon had been and feeling the phantom of the touch across his cheek. His own hand reaches up to touch the spot Gordon had. Unbidden and uncontrollably a stream of bright pink seeps from between his lips and swirls up to the ceiling in lackadaisical loops. 

Gordon likes his look. 

That thought alone makes the rest of his day so much better than it started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another chapter, very fast bc I am procrastinating school work :P don't be like me kids
> 
> let me know how you like it! much appreciated <3


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